Friday, May 14, 2010

Worst Of The Worst: NES Accessories

It's fairly obvious to state that Nintendo has done an excellent job of revolutionizing the video game world. However with every technological advancement in gaming that Nintendo has achieved there are also some rather forgetful advancements . In the early years of NES many second and third parties came out with their own NES accessories (everything from joysticks to game genies to NES locks), so much stuff came out looking to capitalize on the NES popularity that Nintendo also put out some less than stellar accessories, all with the official Nintendo seal of quality.

Power Glove

What It Promised: To revolutionize everything you thought you knew about playing video games...in glove form!

In Reality: The Power Glove is the 800 pound gorilla in the room when it comes to NES accessories, mainly because it was over hyped so much that there was no way it could possibly succeed. With movies and dystopian commercials that heralded it as the futuristic advancement in gaming. What it failed to mention between shots of kids confidently swinging their arms to control games with ease was that in reality that fancy looking keypad wasn't just for show. Which meant you had to actually punch the fucking buttons in the correct order before you moved your arm causing you to waste time and get your ass handed to you by pretty much any game. This led to millions of kids no doubt first hard learned lesson that life can be a frigid unfair lying bitch.

Laser Scope

What It Promised: Not having to use your hands to play games but instead the power of your voice all while wearing a badass headset!


In Reality: This ad was on the back of an obscene amount of comic books in the 90's preying on the hope that young kids would see it and think, "Woah, lasers and a headset? Sign me up!" Basically the Laser Scope was a glorified head mounted light gun that probably looked sweet to anyone 10 and under...Oh, and it worked for only one game! Another thing that the ad failed to mention is that since it's voice activated if your dog barks or Mom loudly calls you for dinner or any noise is made at all it'll randomly shoot. No doubt many a parent shelled out fifty bucks on this for an hour or two of actual game play before their kid got tired of it.

R.O.B.


What It Promised: A robot friend who will play video games with you, just like you always dreamed of!

In Reality: The cold hard fact of the matter is that R.O.B. (or Robotic Operating Buddy) was primarily created to convince the US market that the NES was a toy for children. You see most stores didn't really understand what the fuck a Nintendo was and didn't want to chance selling it, since it was relatively expensive. So Nintendo packaged the first few waves of NES as bundles with R.O.B. to convince stores that the NES was in fact geared towards kids. While most kids no doubt fantasized of playing alongside their new robot buddy, the fact of the matter is R.O.B. mostly spun and stacked shit. Also R.O.B. could only be played with Gyromite and Stack Up, which I'm pretty sure no kid in their right mind actually enjoyed playing.


Roll N' Rocker

What It Promised: It says right on the box, "You Become The Directional Pad"!

In Reality: As radical as it may seem to be able to move around to control your character the simple fact is that you're just shifting your weight left and right, while awkwardly holding a NES controller. Now this is just me but it seems like this would make playing a game both more embarrassing and stupid. Also I can only speculate that if someone who is over 100 pounds attempted to use the Roll N' Rocker that it would be completely destroyed in minutes.

Speed Board


What It Promised: You'd be able to push buttons faster and completely dominate games!


In Reality: Speed Board is hands down the most shoddy moronic product that Nintendo has stood behind since it is essentially just a piece of plastic that holds your controller. Listen if you're too lazy to hold your fucking controller you have no business playing video games. Also for a cheaper alternative for a Speed Board simply use a phone book! They're free and it's not like you're using it anyway...

-Astroboy

1 comment:

Ben said...

I wanted to power glove so much as a kid! Especially when Lucas from The Wizard used to it whoop ass in Rad Racer, leaving Fred Savage in impotent awe.